When your film has a running time of under ten minutes there isn’t a lot of room to flesh out an elaborate story and the entirety of the film is generally focused on the resolution of one central conflict. Stained is no exception to this rule, and the plot can easily be summed up as (sigh)…..a man takes a shit and has to try and find some toilet paper to wipe his ass. Yes, that’s really the plot.

Said man goes by Harris (Mike Shephard) and in addition to being fresh out of TP, he is also plagued by the the incessant harassment of one Fecal George (Chris Spyrides), a human manifestation of shit itself that only he can see. Okay, so it goes without saying that the plot is crass and sophomoric, so the question really becomes “did the filmmakers execute the story they had properly?” Well, let’s break this thing down.

First and foremost, this is a small cast of three actors so the quality of the acting is essential to selling this weird little story. Not surprisingly, there isn’t much subtly to be had in their performances which consist of the kind of broad, cheesy acting you’d find on your typical short-lived sitcom. I recognize that an over-the-top style was warranted in this outlandish story but I still feel that more skilled actors could have delivered a level of subtle menace that would have added complexity to the characters. Though, I can certainly appreciate that having anthropomorphized human excrement shouting at you about shit stains in your underwear probably doesn’t inspire your best performance.

What baffles me the most about this film is why director Phil Haine and writer Mark A. C. Brown felt that, of all the possible stories in the world, this was the one that they would put all their resources into telling. Now, if this had come off as a film that looked like it was shot over a weekend by a couple of drunken college kids, it would actually make more sense. What’s confounding here is the fact that there’s clearly a lot of talent behind the camera.

There are some attempts at very broad comedy that fall completely flat but purely from a technical standpoint the film is very well crafted. The quality of the image is perfect, the sound design is excellent, and the entire experience flows together with the kind of professionalism you’d expect from a multi-million dollar film.

Now, I won’t spoil the ending, but I will say that it does redeem the rest of the plot a bit as well as provide justification to some points of the film that seemed like simple oversights at first. In addition, it finally tied in the Horror aspect that had seemed to be conspicuously absent from this “Horror Comedy”. All in all, a strange, gross little story but one brought forth by talented people who are certainly worth keeping an eye on in the future.

As you can imagine, I’ve seen a lot of films in my day and always enjoy seeking out the most bizarre, abstract and downright weird films I can find. I can safely say however that I have never seen a film, especially a short, that starts with a guided meditation (!). But that’s exactly what happens at the beginning of Feed the Black, the viewer is instructed to close their eyes and empty their mind while a voice-over prattles on for almost five full minutes! That’s a significant chunk of time when the total running time is only about thirty-two minutes. If the V.O. contained important plot information or tied back into the film at a later point this could perhaps have been justified but as it is it feels incredibly extraneous.

After this, the film finally starts. The plot, such as it is, follows a nameless woman who visits a grave and shoots heroin for the next ten minutes of screen time while classical music plays. This is interrupted only by the occasional scene featuring quickly flashing images of religious iconography, a giant eyeball and other typical abstract film cliches. We are now halfway through. The remainder of the film continues along the same lines: she wakes up mysteriously in a forest, she walks through an old colonial town, a cemetery, there’s a human sacrifice, et cetera, et cetera. Throw in some mysterious shrouded figures, a few more seizure-inducing montages, trippy kaleidoscope editing effects, end on the titular line and….voila!

Truly, I haven’t seen something quite like this since my days in film school. In fact writer/director Klayton Dean falls into many of the same traps that film students do when trying too hard to create a significant, abstract work. First and foremost it’s pretentious as fuck. The Roman numerals dividing the sections, the classical music, the old English script for the end credits, it all tries desperately to impose a greater significance onto the footage that simply isn’t there. What’s missing is a cohesive story and a connection to the protagonist that is strong enough to make you want to take a bizarre journey with her.

A common misconception about abstract films is that they are supposed to be comprised of a nearly unintelligible collection of images that will take on greater significance simply by being confounding and bizarre. The reality, however, is that the director must lay a path for savvy viewers to follow so that the intended message of the film can be interpreted, otherwise it’s just weird for the sake of weird and has little value. This is a concept that surreal masters like Lynch and Jodorowsky understand as they layer their bizarre imagery with hidden meaning and complex social commentary. With symbolic imagery, there should be specific meaning tied to each image, most of which is also propelling the central story forward, not simply presenting vague ideas and general concepts like “the struggle between dark and light”.

Despite the shortcomings of this film I do feel that Klayton Dean has potential as a director. The film is well shot, the quality of the image is solid and the acting works. Unfortunately, without a solid foundation these qualities become irrelevant and Dean will need to get out of his own way before he can create something of real significance. However, with a solid, cohesive script in his hand he could be a force to be reckoned with.

In closing I also want to mention that it is a stretch to even classify this as a horror film. Honestly, the only thing shocking about this is that Dean sees fit to charge viewers to watch it. Even if it was much, much better than it is, it still wouldn’t be worth paying four bucks to own a thirty minute movie. This is the kind of film that should be free on YouTube, after it’s cut down to a third of it’s current length.